From My Heart

Psalms 51:6a(NLT)  You desire honesty from the heart..”  Although Psalms 51  was written during a time when Nathan confronted David about his sin,  I desire this too for myself. I want to be true to myself and not hide anything from anyone even if it causes people to judge me or try to “spiritualize” what I am feeling and going through.  I have often question some posts  I have seen on my FB  home page and say “they don’t understand”because they don’t.  maybe to some point, they do, but not entirely.  Not  all Job’s friends understood him either. They should just offered comfort and support instead of  explaining why it all happened to him because really, they and not even Job knew why it did. So I will be honest about my feelings whether it will invite unwanted comments.

The post I have seen on my wall states: “I may not be where I want to be  but Thank God I am where I should be” (Something like that)  A friend of mine explained to me what the post really means and to some extent I accepted it, but..
Am I where I SHOULD be?  If so, why are there no jobs for me?  Believe me,  I have tried to find or look for work  shortly after I graduated, but no job offers. I even applied online at Taco Bell and no job offers.  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to teaching:: Too over qualified to be anything less than a teacher and  unqualified to teach according to the worldly standards ( I know I am because God qualifies me).  If so, then why  hasn’t the right man come along? I truly believe that I would be like  Rebekkah or Rachel and that he would come to my land and find me, but I haven’t been found by any man here where I live and so I try online dating and so far no success with that either.  Maybe I am not suppose to be single . If so, then help me to accept it and move on because I have had this desire for a long time and it burns within my heart.  I am at an age where I can start menopausing and according to human standard.  too late for me to have children of my own from my own womb. However, I believe it is possible that God can open my womb after I am married just as he opened Sarah’s womb and Elizabeth’s womb.  If I am where I should be, hen why  hasn’t there been anyone to take us to church on Sundays? We have a neighbor a few houses  down and is  my friend on FB who goes to a good church yet when I sent her a message, she responded not which leads me to  my next “If so”.

Since I was  a child, I have always had a best friend and even after losing one, I get another until 2006. Now I have no close or best friends. Even when I went to  Fresno Pacific, everyone had a best friend, someone they went to High School with, but not me. I wanted to be someone’s best friend, but that place was already taken, but God provided another until 2006. I heard it say I should be a friend but when I do, they dump me later.
There is no real reason  for me to be here in he land of my exile. I was suppose to be in my promise land, but I was sent back almost 17 years ago.  Maybe it wasn’t the right time fro me to be there but I have been waiting on God to fulfill his promise.  I know he will, but in the meantime, I feel helpless.Image


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