From My Heart

Psalms 51:6a(NLT)  You desire honesty from the heart..”  Although Psalms 51  was written during a time when Nathan confronted David about his sin,  I desire this too for myself. I want to be true to myself and not hide anything from anyone even if it causes people to judge me or try to “spiritualize” what I am feeling and going through.  I have often question some posts  I have seen on my FB  home page and say “they don’t understand”because they don’t.  maybe to some point, they do, but not entirely.  Not  all Job’s friends understood him either. They should just offered comfort and support instead of  explaining why it all happened to him because really, they and not even Job knew why it did. So I will be honest about my feelings whether it will invite unwanted comments.

The post I have seen on my wall states: “I may not be where I want to be  but Thank God I am where I should be” (Something like that)  A friend of mine explained to me what the post really means and to some extent I accepted it, but..
Am I where I SHOULD be?  If so, why are there no jobs for me?  Believe me,  I have tried to find or look for work  shortly after I graduated, but no job offers. I even applied online at Taco Bell and no job offers.  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to teaching:: Too over qualified to be anything less than a teacher and  unqualified to teach according to the worldly standards ( I know I am because God qualifies me).  If so, then why  hasn’t the right man come along? I truly believe that I would be like  Rebekkah or Rachel and that he would come to my land and find me, but I haven’t been found by any man here where I live and so I try online dating and so far no success with that either.  Maybe I am not suppose to be single . If so, then help me to accept it and move on because I have had this desire for a long time and it burns within my heart.  I am at an age where I can start menopausing and according to human standard.  too late for me to have children of my own from my own womb. However, I believe it is possible that God can open my womb after I am married just as he opened Sarah’s womb and Elizabeth’s womb.  If I am where I should be, hen why  hasn’t there been anyone to take us to church on Sundays? We have a neighbor a few houses  down and is  my friend on FB who goes to a good church yet when I sent her a message, she responded not which leads me to  my next “If so”.

Since I was  a child, I have always had a best friend and even after losing one, I get another until 2006. Now I have no close or best friends. Even when I went to  Fresno Pacific, everyone had a best friend, someone they went to High School with, but not me. I wanted to be someone’s best friend, but that place was already taken, but God provided another until 2006. I heard it say I should be a friend but when I do, they dump me later.
There is no real reason  for me to be here in he land of my exile. I was suppose to be in my promise land, but I was sent back almost 17 years ago.  Maybe it wasn’t the right time fro me to be there but I have been waiting on God to fulfill his promise.  I know he will, but in the meantime, I feel helpless.Image

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A Writer’s Life

Trapped. That is how I as a writer feel. Trapped between the lines of the pages of life. Never mind that each word has meaning and not on its own. One word connected to another; subject and verb. “I eat“ “She eats.” Line after line and word after word. There truly is no escape from the pages of time. Or was it life? I lost track of time and went skipping line to line. (Laughs)
Stuck. I can’t think of what to write next. My mind wondered aimlessly through a collection of words called a dictionary. Should I use “Consume”? Or should I stick to eat?
Consume. I am consumed by the fact I must finish this or else. My very life depends on getting each word to come to life or it’s a dead story.
To me, to write is the very essence of life. It is an escapism of boredom. I become my character and enter their world. What do I do? How shall I respond to the circumstance around me? Am I in danger? Falling in love? What?” The possibilities are endless
At night I dream of being thrown in the midst of my story and acting it out. It is a lot different and I feel someone’s eyes are on me!
“Welcome to my world,” a female said
I recognize the woman and she is as I have described her– she is one of my characters! “Where am I?”
Suddenly I find myself enacting what I have written then I wake up.
I needed to take a break. Dreaming about my writing is a warning that I have indeed become too consumed with writing. Most people see dollar signs; I see words! I sighed.
This is a writer’s life and it is the life I chose.
The end.

Online Dating

It has come to my thinking that maybe online dating is not for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am not giving up entirely and I still have a few months left. It was all great in the beginning for men began to notice my profile and sent me a message…then it stopped. I looked at a  blog at ChristianSingles.com  and  one person seems to feel the same way as me. Another  thinks the  website is a fake. Whatever  it is, I took a step of faith and paid for a year of membership. I know there are other places to meet men but it is not very likely where I live. Recently  found out that  my favorite church has no singles group for 40 something. And if I have to wait til I move to WA. for him to find me.. oh well.  Time is getting short and I know there will only be one marriage in Heaven so I would like to have one on earth before Jesus comes again. I dream of being a wife and a mother for so long. This is why I am trying dating websites and yes I am careful. I have been hit by scam artists before so I know what to look for. One of the bloggers at CS.com said she noticed that those who wrote her didn’t know how to spell or have good English. Perhaps that is why this other person feels that CS.com is a fake, but scam artists are everywhere. No matter where you go, it seems they are even willing to be a “match” at matching websites.  Image