Being tired may not sound like an interesting blog, but I must get it out. The Lord has given me such a revelation of his Word that the devil tries to steal it. There are three ways he can do that and Jesus gives it in his parable: The Four Soils. You see the Word was sown in my heart that I am blessed! I never felt blessed. I always thought being blessed means you are doing well and I am not! No car, no job, no family. When I hear about the goodness the Lord has shown my friends, they are blessed! “You never guess what? The pastor of my church gave us us a new car!” My response? “Blessed!” It made me think why can’t I be blessed like that? I have been reading Kenneth Copeland’s book called “The Blessing of The Lord” and it has opened my eyes! I recommend every believer to read this book. You see, I went about it wrong and told God he was a liar when I say I am not blessed (not on purpose). I repented. Ken wrote that when we confess God’s word in our lives, we are giving something for our angel to do. They can’t work when we use words of doubt and unbelief. So when I read Galatians 3:9 which says we are blessed along with faithful Abraham, I agreed with the word and began to say “I am blessed!” Sure I don’t have the material things that I would like to have but it wont change the word. If the Bible say you are blessed, then you are blessed, regardless of how you feel! I am giving Jesus something to work with and Satan doesn’t like it. So what does he do? Tries to steal my sleep by making my legs restless or kind or both. This has been going on since the revelation and I praise God! Thank you Jesus that the Blessing is working in my life! I may be tired but I always try to get a good night sleep. I will not let the devil take the Word from me!
I don’t know why many Christians act like God wants us to be poor in health, body and spirit. Why would John write to Gaius and wish that for him if that wasn’t so? There are also Christians who thinks that God wants us to prosper only spiritually. If that is so, then we unbalanced Christians. God is a good God! He wants to do good to his children just as our earthly father wants to do good to us or for us. Jesus was speaking of the Holy Spirit when he said, “Which of you has a son who ask for bread and you give him a stone?” Then he goes on to say “If you who are evil give good gifts to your children, would not God give you good gifts” (my paraphrase). Search the scripture and taste and see the goodness of the Lord.
He was good to em today and I am so awe if him that there are no words! I had prayed about what to do with the money I have been saving. I originally saved it to pay for upgrades (sorry wordpress) but one day I was at McDonald’s and it came to me that I should buy a pet carrier for my cat. Now, I wasn’t thinking at all about saving up for that so it had to be the Lord! I have been needing one because in the future, I will be moving to Washington state. I was thinking I would pay around 35 dollars and I was prepared for it.
God’s goodness number1: As I paid for the carrier, she charged me less than I thought! I couldn’t believe it! God must have reduced that price just for me because I didn’t see it listed for about 20 dollars! God is good! As I was waiting for the bus I was floored. Why? Because in the past, I really did not want to take my cat with me. H ehas give me problems and has been a disappointment. I believe God was saying to me: “Take him with you. I will even reduce the price so you can afford it. ” I know I did not let him down. I felt good about the purchase. When I came home, I showed it to my cat. I don’t know if he knew what it was for, but I think he understood that I love him and I intend to take him with me. There was some bonding at time.
God’s Goodness Number 2: My sister is the motivator behind this because I thought I would never look online for a future husband. I am not getting younger and time is getting shorter and it seem that maybe online dating is the way to do it. I haven’t met anyone where I live that I am attracted to. I tried Single Friends Event but the majority of the members are female. I always say my town is very lacking. I searched dating sites, looking at reviews so that I don’t join the wrong and I found Christian Single.com which is verified by four business as a trusted website. I am going on faith here just as I went on faith that I will go to Washington soon just as God promised in 1995. I am acting on Faith that the right one will look at my profile after my “Visitor” status is changed to VIP member.
When I was younger, I had a friend who once taught that reading Romance fiction was not acceptable for Christians to read. I can not remember everything that was said, but it stuck with me and I stayed away from them too. Well, here I am years later after we are friends no more and I am writing Love Stories. Why is that? It is not like I set out to do it because I know its wrong. I am not even an expert at Romance because truth be told, I never experience Romance. I have been single and available all my life, waiting for the right one to come. Sure, I have come across some men who try to win my heart only to find out they aren’t after my heart, but my money (as if I had any) so why do I do it? Why? It stems from a deep rooted desire to be loved by someone other than Jesus or God. Other than by my family or friends. The desire stems from the need to be loved by a man who is after God’s own heart. I was told that there are hardly any man who is in his forties and single so if that is the case, I will take one who is divorced(only if it because of his wife) or widowed. I will take one who is ten years younger to ten years older than me. Until then, I write.
I write then because to me it is like a wish fulfillment on paper. I know God is writing my love story but until then, I may end up being a Romance Novelist.
I spend most of my time on Facebook to my shame compared to my author friends. None of them plays any games on Facebook so I have no idea what gives them stress. I love to write! That is what my facebook cover design says. I was born to write just like my heroine in my first novel Marge. Many years ago, when I finish the first version, I would write another and another. They are all different and she falls in love with different men in her life, but now that story is published and I wonder who has bought my book besides my few true friends.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My father wasn’t very good at providing for his family. He was selfish, stingy and greedy and I believed he never wanted a family. If he loved me, he never showed it. I wish that my relatives would understand what it was like living with him for 42 years. Most people my age would have been working by now, have their own cars and families, but because of my circumstances, I was hindered. I may never know why God has kept me for so long. It was almost 17 years ago, I thought I finally would have my taste of freedom, but one summer day, I must have overstepped my boundaries because I was sent home– back to my prison.
During the last 15 years before my father’s death, the stress was caused by my father’s attitude and treatment of us. He had a spiritual problem not he has been ignorant of and not to blame him because he was unaware, I had many conflicts with him. My father hated looking at me because he saw either himself or my grandmother. He didn’t like either. My father was filled with doubt and unbelief so telling him anything of faith would be like throwing the pearls before the swine. He also had no faith in what we could do and hindered it as well. That is one reason why I am such a late bloomer. He kept us from having cars (although he wanted us to have license it was for his selfish purpose). He enabled us from having a good jobs. If my sister and I were to have one, he would find a way to make us give him money. He tried with me when I became a nanny in 1994.
In 1996, I had to borrow money from lending agencies in order to pay my tuition. My father wouldn’t invest and my mother didn’t have that kind of money and mine was spent in Washington State. I had faith that I would be able to pay it off after I graduate, but as it was, I couldn’t get a job. This created another stress for me. As much as I wanted to pay my loans, I could not because no one would hire me and so I gave this over to the Lord and he gave me peace it would be taken care of. However, that was not how my father saw it. He reveled in the fact that they called me and he would “Call” me to answer the phone or he would delight in me getting payment notices from them and put it on top of my other mail. You can’t tell me that is not so because it is. Why do you doubt my words when you haven’t lived with him as long as I have? I ask this to those who are my relatives.
The next stress came after we adopted three kittens: Harry , Andy and Henry) Now I can understand why my father says they were his kittens, but the kittens didn’t see it that way. When they were old enough, they chose who they wanted as their owner and Harry chose me. He was my only blessing of that year and he gave me so much joy, but Satan took that joy from me when he caused him to be runover by a car. I was left with Henry. And the stress began. Henry vacilitated a lot. He was easily influneced by the evil spirits in the house and easily affected. It was a spiritual battle between my father and I because of Henry. My father did not understand why I would try to keep Henry from from him or take Henry from him.
I write to escape. As long as I write, I am in another world. I don’t need to drink to forget my troubles. I know that I can go always go to Jesus because he is my hiding place and I do, but I can’t handle the stress that comes into my life. Even after my father passed away, I continue to have stress caused my cat Henry and caused by my living conditions. I also have stress with the apps I use on Facebook. SO what do I do? I write. I hope that someday my stories will all be published in the short time I am on this earth, but more than that, that all my dreams and desires come to pass.
As long as I can remember, I have always love to write. It was a way of escape for me because of my unhappy life. Long before my first book was published, I suffered a problem at night–restless mind. It was bad enough that my right leg would become severely restless, keeping me from sleeping at night, but if I am not careful and sometimes I am not, I would let my mind wonder. This happens most often if I allow myself to write before going to bed. My mind would want to continue to story as I try to sleep. Not a good idea and even trying to tell my mind to shut up or think on other things, it would go right back to it. Oh the curse of it all! I need to tell myself to stop writing before going to bed, but I can not help it. I am about like Paul the apostle when he wrote about struggling with sin. “I do the things I do not want to do and don’t do the things I want to do. What a wretched man I am.” I think Writing is about like breathing to me, but maybe in time I will learn to control my thoughts.
I am 44 but will be 45 in July and not looking forward to it. As I was walking, I thought about the men in the town where I love. they are about like jobs here too: I have no interest in dating men who rather live in this sorry old town just as I have no interest working here. I want out! I have lived in same town too long and I feel as if I can’t breathe and that I am suffocating. I look at men everywhere I go and wonder: “If I date you, would you mind If I move?” You see, my mind is set on Washington State, but I can not get anyone to understand.
“Washington have the same laws as any state.”
“Maybe you can try getting out more.”
“Have you tried volunteering?”
Those are some of the comments I receive on Facebook. I don’t blame them. They don’t know what it is like to be me. If I told anyone about my father, they would think I am putting him in a bad light. I know my relatives would so I keep quiet about it. My feelings are between God and me. He knows what I have gone through. In fact, I would not have these desires if He did not give them to me.
I do not want a man whose wife divorced him. That means he has some baggage and I am not willing to deal with it. I don’t want a man who don’t care about his body because his body is the temple of the Lord. I don’t want a man who smokes and who has tattoos on his bodies. I also don’t want a man who is not willing to move for me.
What I want? I want a man who is after God’s own heart. Who loves Jesus first than me. I want a man who is caring, honest and is understanding. I want him to look past my flaws and see into my heart. I want one who loves both cats and dogs and is good to his children. I want one who doesn’t have a beard,, five oclock shadow or a goatee. I want one who reads the Bible everyday and will help me grow in it. Maybe they aren’t any like that, but God knows just the one for me. My question is how do I go about being the fish in the water if I am stuck in muddy water?
There are online dating sites that are out of the question and most of them aren’t free. Should I give any a try or just hope that somewhere somehow a man will come out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet? I am not getting younger and my days are getting shorter. I have to hold onto the hope I have that someday I will have a family.